Jenny was being served her apple martini by the bartender just as the front window was shattered by a speeding Humvee, and Jenny was thrown from her stool.

OR

The bartender was serving Jenny her apple martini just as a speeding Humvee shattered the front window and threw Jenny from her stool.

Which sentence jumps off the page? Notice that I didn’t alter a single word, aside from changing each verb from passive to active voice.

If you haven’t heard those terms before, here’s a simple definition: Passive voice makes the subject into the (passive) object of the verb. Active voice means the subject is the (active) person or thing performing the action of the verb. In the second clause, the window isn’t doing the shattering — the Humvee is. The window is the object of the shattering. So shouldn’t the Humvee be the subject? Ancient grammar swamis say yes.

But, you say, the sentences don’t seem that different to me. Wrong. Try this: count the words. Okay, fine, I’ll do it for you. The first example contains 28 words, the second 23. Multiply that difference (five, math whiz) by the number of sentences in a manuscript. My example was extreme, so let’s be conservative and say you save one word every fifth sentence by going through your manuscript and changing as many verbs as you can from passive to active.

Take a manuscript of 300 pages, with an average of 300 words per page, and sentences of about 10 words… that’s 9,000 sentences. Damn. No wonder finishing a manuscript is hard. Result: you’ve just cut 1,800 words, or six pages, from your manuscript.

Why would you want to cut six pages from your magnum opus? Maybe you don’t. Maybe you want to fill those six pages — or twelve, if you’re one of those ambitious people who writes 600-page manuscripts — with useful information about plot, character, or theme, instead of useless words such as was, were, by, and that annoying suffix -ing. But it’s okay to simply cut. Honest. Quality is more important than quantity.

Even if you don’t see the difference in my one example, use active verbs consistently and your writing will pop as it never did before. The reason is self-explanatory: it’s more active, and useless words aren’t bogging it down. Repeat after me: useless words are bad words.

The Exception That Proves the Rule

F. Scott Fitzgerald used the passive voice. I’m sure of it. But when he did, I’ll bet he had a good reason. My example might be taken from a novel in which Jenny is the protagonist. Her true love, perhaps, is driving the Humvee. (The Humvee is not “being driven by” her true love.) So Jenny, not the bartender, should be the focus of the sentence. With this rule, as with all others that are meant to be (occasionally) broken, always be aware of why you’re breaking it.

You’ve gotta know the rules before you can know how to break them. And no one knows all the rules. Not even me.

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Don’t let dialogue and punctuation marks outsmart you in creative fiction writing.

Dialogue between characters is one great way to engage in character development. Usage of quotes can become very complicated in your characters’ dialogue, but you don’t have to struggle with how to use quotes along with commas, periods, capitalization, the em dash, the ellipses, and other marks. Use the templates below for models on how to use quotation marks, and you will be a whiz at this in no time.

Your word processing program will probably use smart quotes. The quote marks curl toward the words. You may set your word processor to use straight quotes if you prefer. Be sure you are consistent and always use one or the other throughout your entire writing.

1. Using the ellipses to show the thought trails off, when the sentence is incomplete:

End with a blank, then the three dots, the quote, a blank.
“I, I, I . . .” he stuttered.

A non-quote new sentence follows: Capitalize the new sentence.
“Still she’s reckless, and that temper of hers . . .” Not to mention the prickly pride.

A new paragraph follows:

“I don’t know what to say, Aramis. They’re your best friends, not my best friends. I’ve no right to tell them. But maybe . . .”

2. Using the ellipses within quotes when the sentence is complete:

A new sentence, within the same quote follows. Note there is a period before the three dots.
“He has my father’s signet ring, and Papa never let that out of his possession. . . . They murdered my father in Belgium.”

The quote sentence is complete and is followed by a new non-quote sentence:
“And Uncle Porthos even took me on his horse. . . .” Suddenly, the boy stopped as if realizing he had a crowd.

3. Quote starts the sentence; the “he said” is in the middle, and then the quote continues:

Don’t capitalize the continued sentence.
“My father’s out of the country,” she began in a measured tone, “and a lone woman could hardly welcome a group of strange men to her home.”

4. Quote starts the sentence, ends with a comma and quote and blank and the “he said.”:

Do not capitalize the word after the closing quote unless it is a proper name or the word “I.”
“He will see you now,” the servant said, bowing as Athos thanked him.

Quote ends with a question mark and is followed by the “he said:”
Don’t capitalize the “he said” part.
“Do we have an agreement?” the unofficial leader of the group asked.

5. Quote starts in the middle of the sentence:

Put a comma after the leading “he said.” Have one blank, then the quotation mark, then the first word of the quote capitalized.
He shrugged his shoulders and said, “It was just a possible explanation. I know it’s not a very good one.”

6. Use the em dash to show a pause in the quote that is all one sentence:

Use no spaces before or after the dash.
“You know what I really wish? I really wish you could find it in your heart to trust me?to not always play the gentleman. However, it’d be more than enough if you just decided to be your real self.”

Use the em dash to show one sentence trails off and then a new sentence begins:
Capitalize the new sentence. Use one space after the closing quote.
“Yes, but?” She silenced him with a kiss.
“I think so, but?On second thought, it’s not true,” he said.

Kat Jaske ?2006 All rights reserved

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